Don't Worry Be Happy

So yesterday I was super happy, like over the top happy, laughing, and hyper. That feeling of happiness lasted all day, from when I woke up to about eleven at night, but then I kinda crashed into a state of gloominess. It came out of nowhere and was not a gradual thing. So I Googled mood-swings and some other stuff; trying to figure out what was up with me. To go from being so overjoyed right into a state of melancholy. Of course Google popped up things such as manic, bipolar  BPD, depression, hypomania, and other drastic things, I knew that was not the problem, so I called the 'Boys Town Hotline' at like four in the morning, to ask for there counselor opinion. It helped so much to talk to someone. Normally I would go to my mom for these kinda things, and maybe even my sister, but it was four in the morning my mom was at work and my sister was asleep. I found it rather nice to talk to someone who knew what to day and that was not connected to me in anyway.

I do suffer from depression and anxiety, but I am on medication and reading a lot of motivational, and self help books. I also am looking for a counselor or therapist, to go to so I can talk about stuff. I am so much better then I was two months ago. People suffer form depression in different ways, for me I was just unmotivated, irritable, lethargic, and and blue all the time, it had become my normal  I didn't think there was anything wrong, because I had been that way for so long, and from seeing commercials for antidepressants, the people looking so sad, and in pain; I was not like that.

In middle school I had suicidal thoughts, and more then once, wrote out long suicide goodbye letters, I cried a lot and was angry with so many things. At the time, the only thing that got me through, was the fact that I loved family, and I knew they loved me. I didn't want them to be sad if I died, I didn't wont any of them finding my dead body. Back then I hated myself, school, teachers, the whole world, and I just wanted everything to stop. I didn't want to think, feel, hear, or see, anymore. My only thought was 'I'm only alive because I don't want to hurt my family. I don't want them to cry or miss me.'  Thank God that I didn't ever go though with suicide.

I know now that no matter how hard, or terrible it gets there is always the future, and always something better around the corner, even if it takes a long time, and you just want everything to end, once your at the bottom, you have the choice to stay there in the doom, or go the only other way, up. Choosing to go up, is harder then you think, but once you start you will see changes and you will become happy some day.

So don't worry be happy. Look for help when you need it. Find the beauty in little things, like the fact that flowers will always bloom, the sun always comes up, you are alive, you are needed, you are here for a reason, and you are wonderful.

I found faith at 17, and ever since I have been doing better. I still struggle with depression, and I still am unhappy about a lot of things, like my weight, family issues, money issues, anxiety, and stuff from my past that I would rather forget. Without that trials and hard times in life, you cant appreciate the good, and the amazingly beautiful thing of this world. Without everything you have gone through, seen, and lived through, you would not be who you are today, you would not know what you know today, and you would not have learned anything.

I am working on moving on from my past, thinking about forgiveness, trying to understand the why, and living for a better future.

If you feel that you need someone to talk to I would suggest calling 1-800-448-3000 (24/7)

--Emma

When things are bad, we take comfort in the thought that they could always get worse. And when they are, we find hope in the thought that things are so bad they have to get better. – Malcolm S. Forbes

Friday List - Favorite Baby Names

Favorite Boy Names.

1. Anthony

2. Declan

3. Roger

4. Colin

5. Elliot

6. Warren

7. Lincoln

8. Matthew

9. Cameron

10. Ian

Favorite Girl Names.

1. Sylvia

2. Johanna

3. Lavinia

4. Freya

5. Sally

6. Marnie

7. Miriam

8. Yvaine

9. Daphne

10. Valerie

So I love these names so much. Some of these will most likely be my future children's names. What do you think? I have a slight obsession with baby names, I have spent a lot of times on name websites just reading about the different meanings and origins of names. My name 'Emma' is very popular now a days, and it meaning is universal. I love my name. My mom told me she got it from a show called '30 Something'.

--Emma

"I feel very adventurous. There are so many doors to be opened, and I'm not afraid to look behind them." - Elizabeth Taylor

Sewing Ideas.

I love to sew, I find it relaxing, and it gives me the feeling of being creative, and accomplished. I wish I did it more often, but with cats in the house, and siblings always around its hard for me to just leave my projects out, like I love to do. It also takes up a lot of room, and is rather messy with all of the string, buttons, and scraps of fabric flying around; but I am motivated to sew, and all I have to do is clean up the new sewing area in the basement, and find the peddle to my sewing machine. I really love to sew toys, like dolls, and stuffed animals, but pillow cases and clothing are also fun.

A few years ago I did some drops for the toy society, and now I am planning out some more sewing projects to start doing more drops. Creating new toys is great, and what better to do with them, than give them away to a new home, in a interesting and uplifting way. For those of you who don't know what the toy society is, I will explain:  It is toy-makers who make homemade toys, and leave them for a perfect stranger to find. Like a random act of kindness, toy crafters around the world, sew, carve, knit, and crochet toys, all so they can leave them in places like libraries, parks, malls, and other public places, in hopes that they are taken to a new loving home. I've been sketching out some ideas for some cute new dolls.

I also have some sewing patterns for a dress, I still have no idea what kinda print I want for the fabric, but I was thinking something floral. I've had the pattern for over a year and have never sat down and started on it, but this summer I hoping to do more sewing, start up knitting again, and I really want to start gardening. Its April, but it snowed yesterday so I don't know if I'm starting the garden thing just yet, but as soon as I find my sewing peddle...where ever it is, I already have many project in mind. I could use my moms sewing machine, but its older then me.

--Emma

 

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition." - Steve Jobs

Education Plans and Ideas!

So this fall I am starting at a community collage taking the typical freshman courses. As I have posted before, I want to be a Waldorf teacher, and from what I have researched it is recommended to not major in education, but instead something else, I need to get my BA or BS, and then I will go to a Rudolf Steiner college and get my Waldorf education certification/degree. So my options of majors, its are rather open. I can't decide I have so many ideas; from art, anthropology, humanities, illustration, literature, woman studies, folklore, fashion design, child psychology, or maybe French. Not that I need to decide just yet, but I do want to study something I like, and that can compliment me as a Waldorf teacher. If I was not so I love with Waldorf schooling, and so interested in being a teacher for their schools, I would probably have gone with children's book illustrator/author, florist, or fashion designer.

My plans are to study at this community college until I reach the requirements to transfer to a university.  I would love to go to one of the BYU schools, or a university in Oregon, or northern California. I really want to be apart of the Kappa Delta sorority. I have read a lot about it, and I consider it to be the best sorority out there. What they do and stand for is beautiful and astounding. I support all of their philanthropies, and hope to one day be a Kappa Delta sister.

So basically my plan is community college, transfer to a university, graduate, get Waldorf teaching certification, and become a Waldorf grades teacher. Any advise would be appreciated, my lovely readers.

School had never been my favorite thing, but it is necessary, so I can follow my dreams, and achieve a goal I set for myself. Its not impossible to do, but it will take a lot of hard work, and I am ready to do this. I need to do this to for myself, and to prove to others I am not a quitter. I have been in a slump for the past five or more years, and I am finally ready to live!

--Emma

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts."  -Winston Churchill 

Boys Boggle My Mind.

I don't think there has ever been a point in time when I was friends with a boy, other than preschool, and even then I was completely infatuated with him. Boys have always made me confused, from the games they played at recess, to there love of sports, fighting, and gross jokes. In every grade throughout school I have always had a crush on some boy or other.  From Dylan in preschool, Jason, KJ, Tony, Jordan, Jeremy, and Cole, during my elementary school years. Devon, Josh, and John in middle school, and Morgan, and Alexander in high school. I don't know how they think, and ever since like sixth grade I have been rather self conscience and nervous around the opposite sex. Probably because I was the only girl in my class that had been through puberty all ready.

Before sixth grade I didn't care what boys thought of me, I thought they were cute, and I would chase them around the field during recess. If I had a crush on them I would tell them, and not care if they liked me to. Fifth grade was the beginning of the end of that way of thinking. The boy I liked at the time, was handsome, nice, popular, and I was pretty sure he was a twin of Jesse McCartney, who I loved at the time. I told him I liked him, and he was fine with it, of course he didn't like me back he was a fifth grade boy, who like Yugioh cards, and basket ball. His friends would make fun of me from liking him, but he never made fun of me, that just made me like him more. It was the first time that I had started feeling 'butterflies in my stomach' around a boy. Then I moved to a different state for sixth grade.

Sixth grade was different, I was always wondering what boys thought of me, if they were laughing at me, or if they thought I was pretty. I started wearing lip gloss and headbands to school, and I thought I was so fat even thought I weighted 105 lbs  Most of the girls in sixth grade were 'dating' boys and so on, I on the other hand didn't really want a boyfriend. I did like a boy, but later found out he liked one of my best friends, that was a terrible day.

In the middle of the school year I was asked out by a boy named Patrick. All my friends said I should 'go out with him' because I needed a 'boyfriend'. Keep in mind this was sixth grade, we were all idiots. Anyway I said yes to him after talking to my friends. That relationship lasted about 15 minutes. At some point in the middle of recess Patrick tackled my best friend to the ground, and was then put in time out.  All of my friends then told me I had to 'break up' with him because he hurt my friend....

And so I did; kids were not allowed next to the time out area, so my friends standing behind me yelled out over my shoulder that I didn't like him and we are breaking up. I felt terrible, and embarrassed,  I also felt sorry for him, because I was pretty sure it was an accident that he ran into her. At the end of school waiting for the bus, I went over to the jungle gym where he was with all his friends, I wanted to ask him about what happened at recess and say sorry, but he ended up saying he was joking when he asked me out, I got really mad.

And since that time I have never been able to be my complete self around boys. If they are related to me, or I dislike them for some reason, or they are younger than me, than I can totally be myself. But its even worse if I am attracted to them. I act like a shy, quite, weirdo, or a snotty know it all. I need help seriously, its a problem.

I have never dated a boy in all my 19 years of life, and I don't count sixth grade. Boys confuse me, I have two brothers, I have boy cousins, I have uncles, and other males to try an figure out, but I don't get them. I wonder how they think, what they think about, and if I will ever understand them. I am told guys are straightforward, and tell it like it is, that they like video games, guns, football, and do things like paintball, and hunting. But what about the boys that like to travel, do art, read, eco-friendliness, love kids, smart, smell good, and funny in a non perverted gross way? What about those boys?

I have an ideal boy in my head, and if I could only find him, I would be set.

--Emma

"Guys are simple... women are not simple, and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically." - Dave Barry

Finding a Job

The job search is not fun at all. I want to get a job, but living in a small town, and being as picky as I am, is not helping me. I also have no prior job experience that I can put on application, and I'm going to start college this fall, so its not like I have a completely open schedule or any kind of degree. I have a list of jobs I don't want to do, such as nothing with food, nothing gross, nothing where I have to fold clothes, and nothing where I have to clean a lot. I've applied to bath & body works, yankee candle, family video, JoAnn's fabric, and even for a job as a 911 operator. All jobs that I would love to have, and that meet my criteria of things I am willing to do, an may even like to do.

I know I'm picky and that there are not many options out there. I want a job because I want to be able to buy things when I want them, to be able to pay the car insurance, help out with family bills, to splurge on things like facials  movie tickets, new shoes, fresh flowers, and makeup, to be able to buy gifts for my family, and to pay for my hobbies, from seeds for gardening, fabric for sewing, fancy paints and brushes. I want to save up for my own car, a dog, and my own apartment, also be able to move to the west coast in two years time, using my own money. I don't like asking my mother for money, I'm not twelve anymore, and I feel as a young adult I should be more grown up, and responsible.

So I am job searching at the moment, contemplating making a care.com babysitter account. Looking for jobs that work for me. I want the freedom of having cash in my pocket, my own income. Money is not everything, I know and believe this, in the future once I'm married with children in a house that I own, and working as a Waldorf teacher, I want to be able to not need money so much, to live simply and naturally, but for right now at the age of nineteen, I want shoes, perfume, and some new fancy frocks...

In other news I got a haircut a few days ago that I love, and I got an x-ray yesterday of my abdomen. Last week I was given a pill capsule full of tiny rubber band to take, the x-ray was to see where all the little rubber bands are in my digestive system five days later, very weird. I have dozens of little tiny rubber bands inside me at the moment...

---Emma

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." - Leo Buscaglia 

Friday List - Movies That Make Me Cry.

So every Friday will be list day. So welcome to list Friday. 

Fifteen Movies That Make Me Cry

1. Atonement 

2. The Terminal

3. The Boy in the Striped Pajamas

4. Tru Confessions

5. Have Dreams, Will Travel

6. Marley & Me

7. Keith

8. The Mist

9. A Walk To Remember

10. Bridge to Terabithia

11. Remember Me

12. Pay It Forward

13. Click

14. Dear John

15. Never Let Me Go

A lot of movies make me cry, these are just some of the saddest ones. I don't cry because people die, I always cry for the unfairness the characters suffer in the movie. When I am balling because of a movie I always blubber out sentences along the lines of, 'But that's not fair." or  "Nooo why do things like this have to happen? Its unfair!"  People tell me its just a movie, but I get so into movies and books that I become a part of the little world that I and watching, and everything that happens seems like its happening to me, or I can at least imagine, or find something to compare going on in my life. 

--Emma

"Crying is cleansing. There's a reason for tears, happiness or sadness."-- Dionne Warwick

Perfection

Being my prefect ideal self is impossible at the moment, but I am working on it. My idea of perfection is not just in a certain appearance, but also in the way I present myself to others, how I see myself, and the lifestyle I dream to live. I want many things in life, from the typical white picket fence dream, to traveling the world, and being the most amazing Waldorf teacher in the universe.

I want to be thought of as intelligent, confident  elegant, beautiful, creative, graceful, kind, and virtuous. I want to have long silky beautifully wavy hair, a flawless complexion, the ideal weight, brilliant straight white teeth, to be able to walk gracefully in heels, to have lovely manicured finger nails and toes at all times. I want to always know what to say in the most eloquent, and intelligent way. To be amazing at all my hobbies, and great at everything I pursue  To be married to the perfect guy, have six amazing children, and just be happy all the time; living a simple, clean, happy, and peaceful life. 

I want to travel to so many places, and see so many things in this world. I sometimes think I don't have enough time to be able to do everything I want, even though I am only nineteen. My goals in life require work and that's something I'm not so fond of. I wish everything came easy, and that I didn't have to try so hard, because I have noticed I give up easily. I used to have the terrible motto of "If I don't try at all, then I cant fail." I was wrong because with that, I was failing at life. I was not living up to everything I was put on this earth to be, do, and try. When I think about how I used to be only a month or so ago, before I got a new look on life, I was unhappy with a lot and I didn't want to try at anything, for fear of failing or not being able to reach my goal. All I thought about were the obstacles in my way, and the dreadful what ifs. 

I'm winning by just living. 

I happy to say my new motto, which is still in the process of being worked out is. "Do everything you can, be everything you were meant to be and more. Don't dwell on the past and the pains of life; see the beauty in everything, in everyone; because you are alive and that is perfect."

---Emma

"I'm concentrating on staying healthy, having peace, being happy, remembering what is important, taking in nature and animals, spending time reading, trying to understand the universe, where science and the spiritual meet." -- Joan Jett

Hello Internet!

So I have no idea how to start out blogging. I've read a bunch of blogs and there first posts, I've googled what to do and so on, but I have yet to come up with an amazingly brilliant idea. So this post will be an introduction to the people of the internet, and a kind of explanation on what I am hoping for this blog, what its all about and such.

My name is Emma Tarin, and I love my name. I am nineteen years old, and going into community college this fall, with the aspirations to transfer to a university in two years or less. I have ideas of what I want to study, but there are so many amazing choices. I do know what I want to do as a career. I want to be a Waldorf Grades Teacher. Many people don't know what Waldorf schooling is, and for that reason I challenge you to Google it, because I am terrible at explanations, I get off track easily, and its always great to learn something new. Right?

I was inspired to make a blog, because I watch a lot of youtube vloggers, and  I've tried talking in front of a camera and it just not for me at the moment, where as blogging I can still get to say whats on my mind, and talk about what ever I please. I've never been the greatest writer, grammar, and spelling have never been my strong point. Its rather lovely that this Blogger website has spell check built right in.

This blog is basically going to be me writing about my life, things I love, and my thoughts on anything I feel like typing out and posting on the internet. I just want to share my mind and life to the world, weather anyone cares to read or not. I hope to post at least once a week on here. I hope to be able to express what I want to say as eloquently as I dream up in my head.

More about me. I like art, drawing, painting, sewing, embroidery  knitting, and photography mainly; not that I am any good at any of those, as I like to think I am. I love to read, though I don't read a offend as I'd like. I like manga, yes I know its extremely nerdy, but it is sooo good. I have many goals and dreams for my life, a lot I have been told are unrealistic. I was born with one kidney, Imperforate anus, cloacal anomaly, two uteruses, spinal syrinx, scoliosis, and lets sum it up as VATER association. More things for you to google, I know you love it. I've have had surgeries for corrections and fixes, and am happy to say, things are not as bad as they could have been if I didn't have the amazingly brave mother I have today and the team of astounding doctors that I have had throughout my life.

I really don't know how else to introduce myself in a more interesting way. So that's it for today.

--Emma

"Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey and share our love with friends and family. One day, each of us will run out of tomorrows. Let us not put off what is most important" - Thomas S. Monson