Don't Worry Be Happy

So yesterday I was super happy, like over the top happy, laughing, and hyper. That feeling of happiness lasted all day, from when I woke up to about eleven at night, but then I kinda crashed into a state of gloominess. It came out of nowhere and was not a gradual thing. So I Googled mood-swings and some other stuff; trying to figure out what was up with me. To go from being so overjoyed right into a state of melancholy. Of course Google popped up things such as manic, bipolar  BPD, depression, hypomania, and other drastic things, I knew that was not the problem, so I called the 'Boys Town Hotline' at like four in the morning, to ask for there counselor opinion. It helped so much to talk to someone. Normally I would go to my mom for these kinda things, and maybe even my sister, but it was four in the morning my mom was at work and my sister was asleep. I found it rather nice to talk to someone who knew what to day and that was not connected to me in anyway.

I do suffer from depression and anxiety, but I am on medication and reading a lot of motivational, and self help books. I also am looking for a counselor or therapist, to go to so I can talk about stuff. I am so much better then I was two months ago. People suffer form depression in different ways, for me I was just unmotivated, irritable, lethargic, and and blue all the time, it had become my normal  I didn't think there was anything wrong, because I had been that way for so long, and from seeing commercials for antidepressants, the people looking so sad, and in pain; I was not like that.

In middle school I had suicidal thoughts, and more then once, wrote out long suicide goodbye letters, I cried a lot and was angry with so many things. At the time, the only thing that got me through, was the fact that I loved family, and I knew they loved me. I didn't want them to be sad if I died, I didn't wont any of them finding my dead body. Back then I hated myself, school, teachers, the whole world, and I just wanted everything to stop. I didn't want to think, feel, hear, or see, anymore. My only thought was 'I'm only alive because I don't want to hurt my family. I don't want them to cry or miss me.'  Thank God that I didn't ever go though with suicide.

I know now that no matter how hard, or terrible it gets there is always the future, and always something better around the corner, even if it takes a long time, and you just want everything to end, once your at the bottom, you have the choice to stay there in the doom, or go the only other way, up. Choosing to go up, is harder then you think, but once you start you will see changes and you will become happy some day.

So don't worry be happy. Look for help when you need it. Find the beauty in little things, like the fact that flowers will always bloom, the sun always comes up, you are alive, you are needed, you are here for a reason, and you are wonderful.

I found faith at 17, and ever since I have been doing better. I still struggle with depression, and I still am unhappy about a lot of things, like my weight, family issues, money issues, anxiety, and stuff from my past that I would rather forget. Without that trials and hard times in life, you cant appreciate the good, and the amazingly beautiful thing of this world. Without everything you have gone through, seen, and lived through, you would not be who you are today, you would not know what you know today, and you would not have learned anything.

I am working on moving on from my past, thinking about forgiveness, trying to understand the why, and living for a better future.

If you feel that you need someone to talk to I would suggest calling 1-800-448-3000 (24/7)

--Emma

When things are bad, we take comfort in the thought that they could always get worse. And when they are, we find hope in the thought that things are so bad they have to get better. – Malcolm S. Forbes