Sorry I was M.I.A.

So what, has it been like four months since I last posted? Oh goodness. Well I'm back again, and hopefully here to stay! So here is what you have missed:


Summer: I moved into my grandparents RV with my sister and our two cats, as my mom, brothers, and three other cats lived in the basement of my grandparents house. Living in this situation lasted about a month or so. Finding a rental in this town is impossible. Ether the rent is crazy, or they don't take any pets. So now my Granddad is living in the RV and is leaving this winter for warmer weather, and Gram is finding an apartment to live in, and my family is taking the house. So I now share the big basement room with my sister. I've not shared a room since like fourth grade, so this is different.

My sister got a chihuahua puppy. A little white and cream colored girl. Naming her took like two weeks. Chloe, Mimi, Luna, Tinkerbell, Lily, and Lola were the names we liked, but could not decide on. We ended up naming her Luna Belle.

I worked as a nanny for an amazing family, but ended up dumping that after about two months. The kids were sweet, the pay was amazing, but I just couldn't keep up. I even ending up lying to the parents that my appendix burst and I had to have emergency surgery, all so I didn't have to tell them I just did not want to work for them anymore. I still feel horrible about it.

My mom brought home some baby raccoon, the mother had be killed by a car. We dropped the baby raccoon off in a box in front of a vet office in the middle of the night.

As of this past month: I started college, flipped and totaled a car, wrote an essay, broke my iphone, got some beautiful henna tattoos, bought a cheap 2,000 dollar car, learned what I need to transfer to uni of Oregon, and started wearing makeup. My classes are great, and I love all my teachers especially my English teacher. Loving life right now.

Anyway I am back and will be posting a least twice a week and hopefully more!

--Emma

"Better keep yourself clean and bright; you are the window through which you must see the world." - George Bernard Shaw 

Music of May

I will be posting the top songs that I have been obsessed with, replaying, and singing out loud too, at the end of every month! So today being the 31st of May its the official first music list! And without further ado here is the month of May's tops songs!

1. Nightswimming AR - By The Finches

2. Heart Attack - By Demi Lovato

3. The whole 'Hello My Name Is...' Album - By Bridgit Mendler

4. Gentlemen - By Daniela Andrade

5. Clouds - By Zach Sobiech

6. I could of Been Your Girl - By She & Him

7. Made in the USA - By Demi Lovato

8. Dirty Paws - By Of Monsters and Men

9. Breathless - By Dan Wilson

10. Woman - Alessi's Ark

I LOVE all these songs, the music, lyrics, everything is just perfect. In other news, my family and I are being evicted from are rental house. The crazy landlord lady lives right next door, and just guess what her reason for evicting us is...yeah, because we didn't mow the lawn, and we don't make use of the yard...she also thinks we have a dog, which we don't, she told my mother to check in the closets and drawers cause she is sure we are hiding a dog in the house...Nutcase! Finding a rental is mission impossible in the town I live in, so we are probably moving in with our grandparents in a few weeks, just for the summer. I'm not complaining, we wont have to pay any rent, and its a cute house. Well that's all for now!

--Emma

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined. - Henry David Thoreau 

Music, Lyrics, and Poems...oh my!

So I have taken a stab at writing lyrics. The thing is, I don't play any interments, I have no idea how to read music, and my singing voice can peal paint off walls. I remember learning how to write poetry in elementary school, the thing is I remember learning it, but no how to do it, and even with a few Google searches, and some how-to's, I don't think poetry is the thing for me. Sure I can read it, and I can normally understand the meaning and symbolism behind most poems, but to actually try and write one myself...

Anyway back to writing lyrics. The whole reason I want to, is because I love music, and lyrics are the best part of a song. So without farther ado, here is some snippets of a few random verses. Bare in mind this is a first try ladies and gentlemen.

- I don't remember so many things
- But looking at a photograph
- Brings back so many forgotten memories
==============================
- I don't want to grow up
- But I don't want to be a kid
- If I had known what I know now
- Things would have turned out differently
==============================
- He has lightning eyes, and prefect dark hair
- His smile gives me butterflies, and brings static into the air
==============================
- As I grew up
- I learned a lot of things
- How to tie my own shoes
- Wash my own hair
- That people lie
- And you should never stare.
==============================
- I see the stars
- They shine so bright
- All the little things
- Make me cry
- For everything is beautiful
- Even me and you
- With all are evils and bad manners
- A smile can light up the whole world
==============================
- I flew through the trees
- On the wings of an eagle
- And he sat next to me
- His eyes sparkling and gleaming
- For this was a magnificent dream
- With just he and I
==============================

And there you have it. What do you think?

- Emma

"Hope" is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul

And sings the tune without the words

And never stops at all

- Emily Dickinson

Living All Around

So I have lived in six states since I was born. from coast to coast, from border to border. I've lived in California,  Arizona, Michigan, Oregon, South Carolina, and Texas. Rural, suburban, and urban, I've lived in it all. With all of the places I have lived, I can honestly say Oregon was the best. For what reason I don't exactly know, maybe since my last year of childhood was spent there, maybe for the beauty, or just because of the feeling and memories of being there are so magical. I can also say I love to live in a rural area, or at least on a huge property full of adventure and nature.

I have loved moving form place to place. I've never really had roots, because home was where my family is, and they were always with me. The closest thing to family home kinda thing, is my grandparents camper, that they have had forever, and I love that old thing, even though it smells like cigarette smoke. Every place I have lived has had the good and the bad. I don remember to much of California, because I was way to little, but I can vividly remember all the other places.

Thought the best place was Oregon, my grandparents old home in Arizona was the most magical property in the world. From the in ground pool, big deep red bathtub, dog graveyard, old Indian well, javelina pigs, the wash, the saguaro cactus skeleton, granddads workshop garage, the huge in door planter under an amazingly big skylight, the sun made ice tea, the large fireplace, all of the kokopelli, owl, and native american decor, and all of the little memories. It was such a marvelous place.

I have lived in Michigan the longest, all over the pinky area, and also for a very short while in East Lansing. Michigan is pretty, but I'm not a fan of snow or tourist season. I love the lakes and that a lot of my family lives around here, but one of my dreams is to leave this place as quick as I can, Its just kinda claustrophobic here. I will miss cheese shop, blue moon ice cream, family, and the lakes, but that's basically it for Michigan.

South Carolina does not have my kinda weather, humid is a major hate of mine, but the ocean is lovely and warm compared to the west coast waters I've swam in. And southern people are great, the accents are cute. South Carolina is more of a vacation place for me, then a place to live, more then a month there and I'm over it, but maybe that's just myrtle beach area. Cookie cutter neighborhoods are not my cup of tea. Nor is all of the strip clubs, mini golf courses, and beach shops.

I was only in Texas for less then half a year. Hurricane Ike hit and that was absolutely terrible, without power for almost a month, and I had no idea how to make friends in my first year of high school. I learned the hard way that high school is nothing like TV. So other than all that and misquotes the size of baseballs it was rather nice. The house was huge and cheap!

I like to move around but in the future once I have a family of my own, I don't want to move them around, I want my future children to have a 'hometown' and familiar surroundings. I do hope to have lots of fun vacations with them in new places though.

--Emma

"Weeds are flowers too, once you get to know them." - A. A. Milne 

A Letter to Mom

Dear Mom,

I'm writing this letter to explain how much I love you, and appreciate everything you do for me. Your birthday, and mothers day have pasted; Christmas is far away, but I just wanted to write this out, for you and for myself.

From the day I was born you have been there for me. I know with me as a daughter, you have gone through a lot, learned so much, and sacrificed so much.  From my medical problems, and learning disabilities, to me not being a soccer player, and me being one of the most unrealistic dreamers out there. You were there for everything: First day of school, softball games, surgeries, my school plays, appointments, the good days, the bad days, learning to drive, my first concert, my baptism, first apartment, getting my GED, and so much more.

You are the reason I am here, and that I am a whole person. You have helped me with everything, from the small stuff like buying me tissues for when I have a cold, to the big stuff like motivating me to live my life, and just be happy. You have taught me so much, to walk, talk, whistle, cook, clean, and that even when there are dark clouds all around you, you have to fight and stay strong!

You are the bravest, strongest person I know. I love that I have your beautiful green eyes, and pretty dark brown hair. I love that even thought you are tomboy, you still are girly at heart, from loving pink, to looking lovely in a dress.

A lot of people claim they have the best mom out there, but they are wrong, because you are not there mom.  You are my mom, and all I can say to sum it up is 'Thank You'.

Love

--Emma

"The person who has inspired me my whole life is my Mom, because she taught me commitment. She sacrificed." - Mike Krzyzewski 

I'm Back!! Updates on Life!

So I have not posted in over a week! I know, I know, so sorry! I was sick, and way to lazy to get on my computer to do anything, not to mention blog. Anyway I am back now.  Did you miss me, cause I missed you!

So I missed posting for mothers day, and I really wanted to dedicate a long heartfelt post to my mom. So I will be doing that for this coming Monday instead.

I've been spring cleaning, painting, and gardening for the last three or four days. I pretty sure I have a dust allergy, and that I have a spider infestation in my house. I captured one of the spiders and spent a time on Google identifying the creepy crawly. I have come to the conclusion that the spiders in my house are 'Long-legged Sac Spiders'. My sister Madison has arachnophobia, so this is even worse then it already sounds, any idea's how to exterminate the spiders naturally, with have pets, and my brother Henry has asthma, so chemicals are a bad idea.

Loving my acrylic nails, there pink and sparkly at the moment. I have gotten used to having them, and I haven't bitten my nails since I got them on! Go Me!

I really want to go shopping so bad, for clothes and shoes mainly, a new thrift store opened a few days ago and I went in to have a look, they carry my size, and everything that is being sold there I would totally wear! Its like the most amazing store ever! Everything is really cheap to, because its a resale shop!

I have discovered, Demi Lovato, and Bridgit Mendler music! I never thought I would like another Disney channel singer, after all I stopped watching that channel years ago. Hilary Duff was and forever will be my idol though, also Aly & AJ are great to.

Feeling super happy lately, I want to join the national bone marrow registry  but I have hypothyroidism, some unidentified autoimmune disease, and I am way to overweight. I wonder can I even donate blood? I'm O- so universal donor right?

Thinking of going on a photography walk through down town, but I like to take photos of people rather then building and nature. Madison is normally my model for any of my photo shoots, but I have gotten Henry to do it twice. Hmmm...

--Emma

"But I am not going to live for ever. And the more I know it, the more amazed I am by being here at all."  - William Hurt 

Bad Habits

Breaking bad habits is really hard. I bite my nails all the time, and I bite them so short until they bleed. So that is a terrible thing right? Well I have always wanted to stop, but have never been able to. I've been biting them pretty much my whole life, its like my own little addiction. I hate it and its almost like I do it without even thinking. I've done the whole paint my nails so its gross tasting when I try to bite them, but nail polish doesn't stop me. So this week, lets say this month I have made it my goal to not bite my nails at all. This is much harder then I thought it would be.

I went to a nail salon, had acrylic nails put on, with the crazy strong super glue and stuff, just so it would make it so I cant chew on my fingers. Let me tell you if I had not done that, I don't think I could go longer then maybe three days without freaking out and biting them. It makes me wonder how hard it must be for people who smoke, drink, or have drug addictions. It must be a millions times harder then my nail biting issue. So hats off to anyone who has beat there addiction, I think that makes you and great strong person. My mom has been smoking since she was a teenager, but she quite three months ago, and I think she is amazing to be able to beat such a hard addiction.

I also wish I could get in the routine of having better habits. Like keeping my room clean, flossing more, following a skin care regimen, making my bed every morning, washing my makeup off before I go to bed, shaving my legs every time I shower instead of like once every three weeks... don't judge me...I think its just as hard starting good habits, as breaking bad ones, at least for me it is.

In other news I have started working! Not in like a real job, but I made a care.com profile and have started doing so babysitting jobs. Let me tell you two year old boys are the best! Every time I come home from babysitting I just wish I had my own kids and family. For those of you who don't know, I want six kids, hopefully three girls and three boys. Anytime I tell someone that, they give me this look as if I'm crazy. I want an even number, but more then four, yet less then eight, so six is perfect.

--Emma

"Life is meant to be a celebration! It shouldn't be necessary to set aside special times to remind us of this fact. Wise is the person who finds a reason to make every day a special one." - Leo Buscaglia 

Tunnel of Trees - A Short Story

I'm running through a tunnel of trees, the sun raining through the canopy in beams of light. The leaves come in all bright shades of green and yellow. The path I am running on, is the softest green grass one will ever feel on there feet. The tree tunnel is short, much to short for grownups to come in, unless they were to crawl, but grownups never come here; yet it is perfect for my friends and I, us being only young children. The smell of flowers, moss, and late morning dew flows through the air, and you can here the laughter and pitter-patter of my friends and I running through the tunnel. This is a memory, or maybe just a dream, but when was a dream ever so vivid?

I wear a white dress, its in the style you only see in old black a white photos, my hair in two braids, with powder pink ribbons on each end. My friends, two boys, are the same age as me, and they are also dressed in clothing from the past. So this must be a dream, but it feel so much like its something I'm remembering, like it has happened before.

As we run, I am just a bit faster then the boys, and we are all laughing happily. We have been running for a long time, but my friends and I are not at all out of breath or tired, and this happy run has turned into a lighthearted race. We hear the grown up, are parents, calling for us to come back. For we have been gone a long while. We can hear them hollering for us, but we ignore them, because it is a race now, and we all want to win. All this time we have been running, but have not really gotten anywhere, yet we don't seem to notice, and even if we did, we wouldn't care.

Through this whole dream or memory, what ever it is, it has been beautiful, sunny, happy, and peaceful. Thought very slowly, as we run so fast the trees seem to blur together, the sky starts to darken, as if a big cloud has gone and blocked the sun. With the slow but sudden darkening, something to the right caches my eye, and right at that moment I stop laughing with my friends. To my right looks to be a shadow of a abnormally skinny dog running beside us, but there is no dog for the shadow to come from, and the paws of the shadow are floating in midair, with no connection to anything.

We run faster now, frightened. The dog shadow runs faster as if chasing us, and I could swear I heard a growl from behind me. We are to afraid to turn back or stop running away, so we keep going as fast as we can. The boy on my right trips and falls to the ground. The other boy and I keep running, as tears start to run down my cheeks. I look back as I run to see if I can see the fallen boy, but he is gone. Then I look to my left to see the boy running with me, but he is also gone. I'm alone in this tunnel of trees that seems to have no end. The shadow dog is not alone anymore, it is now joined by two other ominous shadow dogs. I am distressed, and crying while I run as fast as I possibly can, for what seems like forever. Still oddly I am not out of breath or tired.

I stumble a little, and look to my side again, the shadow dogs are gone, and up ahead I see a dark gap on the right. I run to the gap remembering that this was where my friends and I would always come to play, are secret nook in the tunnel of trees, it had never taken this long to get here before. All of the treasures and toys that my friends kept in this nook are gone, only my thing remain. My old box full of marbles, pretty postcards, and shiny coins.

I wanted to go home, but i was afraid to go back the way I came. I could ether stay in the nook where I was alone, or keep going ahead, but my friends and I had never gone past the secret nook. I was frightened to go back, to stay, and to go ahead. I sat and cried as it got darker.

I got up and brushed the dirt from my dress now stained from the grass, and started running ahead, into the unknown.  -The End-
........................
This is a dream that I have had a few times throughout my life, and every time I wake up from it, I feel a kind of sadness. I view the dream through the eyes of this girl, so I don't know if this girl is really me or not, the clothing and hair are nothing like mine, and she is only like nine years old in this dream. It seems like a memory and plays in my mind like a short beautiful film. I think there is some symbolism in it, about growing up, and the loss of your childhood days, but there is a lot more to it. What do you think?

........................
--Emma (P.S. - all photography on my blog is by me. Except for the family photo a few post back.)

"The knowledge that makes us cherish innocence, makes innocence unattainable." - Irving Howe

Friday List - Best Clothing Stores

Best Clothing Stores

1. Anthropologie

2. Forever 21

3. Charlotte Russe

4. Modcloth

5. Target

6. Free People

7. Nordstrom

8. Dorothy Perkins

9. Boden USA

10. Kohls


I love to shop! Clothes and shoes being what I spend most my money on. This is just a list of stores that I love, whether for there deals or just the amazingly beautiful clothes they sell. What are you favorite stores to shop for clothes at? I like skirts and dresses best, ruffles, lace, pastel colors, and just really feminine kinda style, but I also really like simple pretty pieces. I love clothes, but sadly a lot of the thing I like on a mannequin I don't like on me, or things I really love don't come in my size, but I am working on that problem! One day I will be able to wear whatever I want, and love how I look in it.

--Emma

"I'd rather have roses on my table, than diamonds on my neck." - Emma Goldman 

Dolores - A Short Story

I sat there on the train, with my mother and four sisters, sitting in the cramped train compartment with me. My youngest sisters Mary and Amanda sat quiet and still. It would have been a kind of miracle, with them not being loud and restless, but there was reason for it. My father together with Uncle Thomas had died, and my family and I where on the train heading to the funeral. 

Mary had only just turned seven, and was now fatherless. Bridget the oldest, would not have a father to walk her down the isle, nor would any of us; but out of all of us sitting here together silently, Mother was hit the hardest with the death of father. She sat with little Amanda in her lap, as she stared blankly out the foggy window, at the raining world. My beautiful mothers face, was blank, emotionless, she looked so much more fragile, and old then I had ever seen her. More then the time when her brother, Uncle Peter, lost his arm and most of his sanity to the war; more then when the family dog Kipper died, and even more when she had had the miscarriage last winter.

Irene sat next to me, fiddling with her tear soaked handkerchief. She was older then me by two years, but she cried more then anyone I had ever seen. I had not cried a single tear, and that made me feel guilty. I was more sad of the fact that Uncle Thomas was dead, then my own father. Bridget told me I was in shock, that I would cry when I understood, and fathers death dawned on me. The thing was it had dawned on me. Father was dead, gone forever, and never coming back. All that was left behind of him was debt, five fatherless daughters, a widow, and his body, that would quickly rot in the ground, only to leave some bones. 

I had spent most of the eight hour train ride thinking about it all, trying to find something that made me feel the least bit sad, something for me to grieve. All that came to mind were the times he hit my mother in a drunken rage, the time he cut of all of little Mary's long red hair, yelling that he only wanted sons, the time he whipped Irene because she was five minutes late coming home, when he killed Amanda's pet rabbit in front of her, when he locked Bridget in the barn all night because she ruined his shirt. That even without a drink in him he was a demon to his family. I remember the day her broke my arm, burned my doll in the fireplace. With all that and much more, I could not comprehend why any of my family shed tears for him. I traced 'Dolores', my name into the condensation on the window.

The train finally pulled into the station, it was late at night and there was no moon in the sky, but oh so many stars glimmering. Mother carried little sleeping Mary, as we walked to the Inn, along the muddy road. Tomorrow was the funeral. I didn't sleep, neither did Bridget, we just laid in the bed until it was morning, listening to Irene's little sleepy mumbles and Amanda's soft snores.  

The sun came up, and we dressed in are black dresses and shoes. Irene, and Amanda would not stop they blubbering. Bridget and Mother put on there brave faces as they consoled the girls. We made are why to the graveyard for the service, I saw my uncles, aunts, and cousins gathered around the caskets. Everyone looked so sad and pitiful. Songs were sung, people cried as they said goodbye. Mary and Amanda placed flowers on top of the casket, mother kissed the casket leaving behind a pink kiss mark. Irene patted the top of it and burst into tears, running off towards the church, and Bridget seemed to whisper her goodbye into the cold air. I stood there, wanting to be that last person, as all of the people walked back to the church, I still stood there to say my goodbyes.

"I hated you...I loved you. You were are terrible dad, and husband...Just a horrible person altogether, but you were my father. How do I forgive you? Even though you are dead, and its all over. You were the one that did all those things to us, and it seems the have ether all forgotten, or all have somehow forgiven you. I will never forgive you, but I will forget you. I will never think about you again, not a good or bad thought...Goodbye." I said looking up at the sunny cloudless sky. I walked back to the church, to my family, as one tear slid down my cheek into the green grass. I will never know if the tear was of joy... or sorrow.

.......

'Dolores' is a short story I wrote in the summer of 2011. I found it in a note book full of a bunch of my old writing. Its rather sad, I admit, but I like it for what it is trying to say. What is your opinion or interpretation of it?

--Emma

"Forgiveness is the economy of the heart... forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits." - Hannah More

Am I Ordinary?

I have never consider myself to be normal, or an average person. From the way that I think, to what I look like, from the day I was born. I don't know what its like in the minds of other people, but I have always thought that my mind must work differently, seeing how others make choices and prioritize there life, the different personalities, cultures, and morals. I must be very diffident from everyone else.  I sometimes don't understand how some people come to the conclusions that they do, or how they like certain things.

I was born different and have always been different,  but in the end everyone is unique and different,  and as the saying goes 'no two minds think alike.' I love and hate that statement,  because its wonderful that everyone is different and odd in there own way, yet I sometimes wish every person could think the same as me, to understand one another completely, to feel the same.

I think about a lot of things. I have many questions on why, how, and what. Some of these questions will go unanswered, but other I will some day know the answer to. I envision my future, all the time the many paths I can choose to walk down, where I end up is a mystery, but I have hope that it will turn out as I want. My dreams could be the same as yours or completely contrary.

In the end everyone is perfect, and no one is ordinary, because everyone has a least one quark. I have hundreds myself, and without them I would not be me.

--Emma

"If there's any message to my work, it is ultimately that it's OK to be different, that it's good to be different, that we should question ourselves before we pass judgment on someone who looks different, behaves different, talks different, is a different color." - Johnny Depp

Don't Worry Be Happy

So yesterday I was super happy, like over the top happy, laughing, and hyper. That feeling of happiness lasted all day, from when I woke up to about eleven at night, but then I kinda crashed into a state of gloominess. It came out of nowhere and was not a gradual thing. So I Googled mood-swings and some other stuff; trying to figure out what was up with me. To go from being so overjoyed right into a state of melancholy. Of course Google popped up things such as manic, bipolar  BPD, depression, hypomania, and other drastic things, I knew that was not the problem, so I called the 'Boys Town Hotline' at like four in the morning, to ask for there counselor opinion. It helped so much to talk to someone. Normally I would go to my mom for these kinda things, and maybe even my sister, but it was four in the morning my mom was at work and my sister was asleep. I found it rather nice to talk to someone who knew what to day and that was not connected to me in anyway.

I do suffer from depression and anxiety, but I am on medication and reading a lot of motivational, and self help books. I also am looking for a counselor or therapist, to go to so I can talk about stuff. I am so much better then I was two months ago. People suffer form depression in different ways, for me I was just unmotivated, irritable, lethargic, and and blue all the time, it had become my normal  I didn't think there was anything wrong, because I had been that way for so long, and from seeing commercials for antidepressants, the people looking so sad, and in pain; I was not like that.

In middle school I had suicidal thoughts, and more then once, wrote out long suicide goodbye letters, I cried a lot and was angry with so many things. At the time, the only thing that got me through, was the fact that I loved family, and I knew they loved me. I didn't want them to be sad if I died, I didn't wont any of them finding my dead body. Back then I hated myself, school, teachers, the whole world, and I just wanted everything to stop. I didn't want to think, feel, hear, or see, anymore. My only thought was 'I'm only alive because I don't want to hurt my family. I don't want them to cry or miss me.'  Thank God that I didn't ever go though with suicide.

I know now that no matter how hard, or terrible it gets there is always the future, and always something better around the corner, even if it takes a long time, and you just want everything to end, once your at the bottom, you have the choice to stay there in the doom, or go the only other way, up. Choosing to go up, is harder then you think, but once you start you will see changes and you will become happy some day.

So don't worry be happy. Look for help when you need it. Find the beauty in little things, like the fact that flowers will always bloom, the sun always comes up, you are alive, you are needed, you are here for a reason, and you are wonderful.

I found faith at 17, and ever since I have been doing better. I still struggle with depression, and I still am unhappy about a lot of things, like my weight, family issues, money issues, anxiety, and stuff from my past that I would rather forget. Without that trials and hard times in life, you cant appreciate the good, and the amazingly beautiful thing of this world. Without everything you have gone through, seen, and lived through, you would not be who you are today, you would not know what you know today, and you would not have learned anything.

I am working on moving on from my past, thinking about forgiveness, trying to understand the why, and living for a better future.

If you feel that you need someone to talk to I would suggest calling 1-800-448-3000 (24/7)

--Emma

When things are bad, we take comfort in the thought that they could always get worse. And when they are, we find hope in the thought that things are so bad they have to get better. – Malcolm S. Forbes

Friday List - Favorite Baby Names

Favorite Boy Names.

1. Anthony

2. Declan

3. Roger

4. Colin

5. Elliot

6. Warren

7. Lincoln

8. Matthew

9. Cameron

10. Ian

Favorite Girl Names.

1. Sylvia

2. Johanna

3. Lavinia

4. Freya

5. Sally

6. Marnie

7. Miriam

8. Yvaine

9. Daphne

10. Valerie

So I love these names so much. Some of these will most likely be my future children's names. What do you think? I have a slight obsession with baby names, I have spent a lot of times on name websites just reading about the different meanings and origins of names. My name 'Emma' is very popular now a days, and it meaning is universal. I love my name. My mom told me she got it from a show called '30 Something'.

--Emma

"I feel very adventurous. There are so many doors to be opened, and I'm not afraid to look behind them." - Elizabeth Taylor

Sewing Ideas.

I love to sew, I find it relaxing, and it gives me the feeling of being creative, and accomplished. I wish I did it more often, but with cats in the house, and siblings always around its hard for me to just leave my projects out, like I love to do. It also takes up a lot of room, and is rather messy with all of the string, buttons, and scraps of fabric flying around; but I am motivated to sew, and all I have to do is clean up the new sewing area in the basement, and find the peddle to my sewing machine. I really love to sew toys, like dolls, and stuffed animals, but pillow cases and clothing are also fun.

A few years ago I did some drops for the toy society, and now I am planning out some more sewing projects to start doing more drops. Creating new toys is great, and what better to do with them, than give them away to a new home, in a interesting and uplifting way. For those of you who don't know what the toy society is, I will explain:  It is toy-makers who make homemade toys, and leave them for a perfect stranger to find. Like a random act of kindness, toy crafters around the world, sew, carve, knit, and crochet toys, all so they can leave them in places like libraries, parks, malls, and other public places, in hopes that they are taken to a new loving home. I've been sketching out some ideas for some cute new dolls.

I also have some sewing patterns for a dress, I still have no idea what kinda print I want for the fabric, but I was thinking something floral. I've had the pattern for over a year and have never sat down and started on it, but this summer I hoping to do more sewing, start up knitting again, and I really want to start gardening. Its April, but it snowed yesterday so I don't know if I'm starting the garden thing just yet, but as soon as I find my sewing peddle...where ever it is, I already have many project in mind. I could use my moms sewing machine, but its older then me.

--Emma

 

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition." - Steve Jobs

Education Plans and Ideas!

So this fall I am starting at a community collage taking the typical freshman courses. As I have posted before, I want to be a Waldorf teacher, and from what I have researched it is recommended to not major in education, but instead something else, I need to get my BA or BS, and then I will go to a Rudolf Steiner college and get my Waldorf education certification/degree. So my options of majors, its are rather open. I can't decide I have so many ideas; from art, anthropology, humanities, illustration, literature, woman studies, folklore, fashion design, child psychology, or maybe French. Not that I need to decide just yet, but I do want to study something I like, and that can compliment me as a Waldorf teacher. If I was not so I love with Waldorf schooling, and so interested in being a teacher for their schools, I would probably have gone with children's book illustrator/author, florist, or fashion designer.

My plans are to study at this community college until I reach the requirements to transfer to a university.  I would love to go to one of the BYU schools, or a university in Oregon, or northern California. I really want to be apart of the Kappa Delta sorority. I have read a lot about it, and I consider it to be the best sorority out there. What they do and stand for is beautiful and astounding. I support all of their philanthropies, and hope to one day be a Kappa Delta sister.

So basically my plan is community college, transfer to a university, graduate, get Waldorf teaching certification, and become a Waldorf grades teacher. Any advise would be appreciated, my lovely readers.

School had never been my favorite thing, but it is necessary, so I can follow my dreams, and achieve a goal I set for myself. Its not impossible to do, but it will take a lot of hard work, and I am ready to do this. I need to do this to for myself, and to prove to others I am not a quitter. I have been in a slump for the past five or more years, and I am finally ready to live!

--Emma

"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts."  -Winston Churchill 

Boys Boggle My Mind.

I don't think there has ever been a point in time when I was friends with a boy, other than preschool, and even then I was completely infatuated with him. Boys have always made me confused, from the games they played at recess, to there love of sports, fighting, and gross jokes. In every grade throughout school I have always had a crush on some boy or other.  From Dylan in preschool, Jason, KJ, Tony, Jordan, Jeremy, and Cole, during my elementary school years. Devon, Josh, and John in middle school, and Morgan, and Alexander in high school. I don't know how they think, and ever since like sixth grade I have been rather self conscience and nervous around the opposite sex. Probably because I was the only girl in my class that had been through puberty all ready.

Before sixth grade I didn't care what boys thought of me, I thought they were cute, and I would chase them around the field during recess. If I had a crush on them I would tell them, and not care if they liked me to. Fifth grade was the beginning of the end of that way of thinking. The boy I liked at the time, was handsome, nice, popular, and I was pretty sure he was a twin of Jesse McCartney, who I loved at the time. I told him I liked him, and he was fine with it, of course he didn't like me back he was a fifth grade boy, who like Yugioh cards, and basket ball. His friends would make fun of me from liking him, but he never made fun of me, that just made me like him more. It was the first time that I had started feeling 'butterflies in my stomach' around a boy. Then I moved to a different state for sixth grade.

Sixth grade was different, I was always wondering what boys thought of me, if they were laughing at me, or if they thought I was pretty. I started wearing lip gloss and headbands to school, and I thought I was so fat even thought I weighted 105 lbs  Most of the girls in sixth grade were 'dating' boys and so on, I on the other hand didn't really want a boyfriend. I did like a boy, but later found out he liked one of my best friends, that was a terrible day.

In the middle of the school year I was asked out by a boy named Patrick. All my friends said I should 'go out with him' because I needed a 'boyfriend'. Keep in mind this was sixth grade, we were all idiots. Anyway I said yes to him after talking to my friends. That relationship lasted about 15 minutes. At some point in the middle of recess Patrick tackled my best friend to the ground, and was then put in time out.  All of my friends then told me I had to 'break up' with him because he hurt my friend....

And so I did; kids were not allowed next to the time out area, so my friends standing behind me yelled out over my shoulder that I didn't like him and we are breaking up. I felt terrible, and embarrassed,  I also felt sorry for him, because I was pretty sure it was an accident that he ran into her. At the end of school waiting for the bus, I went over to the jungle gym where he was with all his friends, I wanted to ask him about what happened at recess and say sorry, but he ended up saying he was joking when he asked me out, I got really mad.

And since that time I have never been able to be my complete self around boys. If they are related to me, or I dislike them for some reason, or they are younger than me, than I can totally be myself. But its even worse if I am attracted to them. I act like a shy, quite, weirdo, or a snotty know it all. I need help seriously, its a problem.

I have never dated a boy in all my 19 years of life, and I don't count sixth grade. Boys confuse me, I have two brothers, I have boy cousins, I have uncles, and other males to try an figure out, but I don't get them. I wonder how they think, what they think about, and if I will ever understand them. I am told guys are straightforward, and tell it like it is, that they like video games, guns, football, and do things like paintball, and hunting. But what about the boys that like to travel, do art, read, eco-friendliness, love kids, smart, smell good, and funny in a non perverted gross way? What about those boys?

I have an ideal boy in my head, and if I could only find him, I would be set.

--Emma

"Guys are simple... women are not simple, and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically." - Dave Barry

Finding a Job

The job search is not fun at all. I want to get a job, but living in a small town, and being as picky as I am, is not helping me. I also have no prior job experience that I can put on application, and I'm going to start college this fall, so its not like I have a completely open schedule or any kind of degree. I have a list of jobs I don't want to do, such as nothing with food, nothing gross, nothing where I have to fold clothes, and nothing where I have to clean a lot. I've applied to bath & body works, yankee candle, family video, JoAnn's fabric, and even for a job as a 911 operator. All jobs that I would love to have, and that meet my criteria of things I am willing to do, an may even like to do.

I know I'm picky and that there are not many options out there. I want a job because I want to be able to buy things when I want them, to be able to pay the car insurance, help out with family bills, to splurge on things like facials  movie tickets, new shoes, fresh flowers, and makeup, to be able to buy gifts for my family, and to pay for my hobbies, from seeds for gardening, fabric for sewing, fancy paints and brushes. I want to save up for my own car, a dog, and my own apartment, also be able to move to the west coast in two years time, using my own money. I don't like asking my mother for money, I'm not twelve anymore, and I feel as a young adult I should be more grown up, and responsible.

So I am job searching at the moment, contemplating making a care.com babysitter account. Looking for jobs that work for me. I want the freedom of having cash in my pocket, my own income. Money is not everything, I know and believe this, in the future once I'm married with children in a house that I own, and working as a Waldorf teacher, I want to be able to not need money so much, to live simply and naturally, but for right now at the age of nineteen, I want shoes, perfume, and some new fancy frocks...

In other news I got a haircut a few days ago that I love, and I got an x-ray yesterday of my abdomen. Last week I was given a pill capsule full of tiny rubber band to take, the x-ray was to see where all the little rubber bands are in my digestive system five days later, very weird. I have dozens of little tiny rubber bands inside me at the moment...

---Emma

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around." - Leo Buscaglia 

Friday List - Movies That Make Me Cry.

So every Friday will be list day. So welcome to list Friday. 

Fifteen Movies That Make Me Cry

1. Atonement 

2. The Terminal

3. The Boy in the Striped Pajamas

4. Tru Confessions

5. Have Dreams, Will Travel

6. Marley & Me

7. Keith

8. The Mist

9. A Walk To Remember

10. Bridge to Terabithia

11. Remember Me

12. Pay It Forward

13. Click

14. Dear John

15. Never Let Me Go

A lot of movies make me cry, these are just some of the saddest ones. I don't cry because people die, I always cry for the unfairness the characters suffer in the movie. When I am balling because of a movie I always blubber out sentences along the lines of, 'But that's not fair." or  "Nooo why do things like this have to happen? Its unfair!"  People tell me its just a movie, but I get so into movies and books that I become a part of the little world that I and watching, and everything that happens seems like its happening to me, or I can at least imagine, or find something to compare going on in my life. 

--Emma

"Crying is cleansing. There's a reason for tears, happiness or sadness."-- Dionne Warwick

Perfection

Being my prefect ideal self is impossible at the moment, but I am working on it. My idea of perfection is not just in a certain appearance, but also in the way I present myself to others, how I see myself, and the lifestyle I dream to live. I want many things in life, from the typical white picket fence dream, to traveling the world, and being the most amazing Waldorf teacher in the universe.

I want to be thought of as intelligent, confident  elegant, beautiful, creative, graceful, kind, and virtuous. I want to have long silky beautifully wavy hair, a flawless complexion, the ideal weight, brilliant straight white teeth, to be able to walk gracefully in heels, to have lovely manicured finger nails and toes at all times. I want to always know what to say in the most eloquent, and intelligent way. To be amazing at all my hobbies, and great at everything I pursue  To be married to the perfect guy, have six amazing children, and just be happy all the time; living a simple, clean, happy, and peaceful life. 

I want to travel to so many places, and see so many things in this world. I sometimes think I don't have enough time to be able to do everything I want, even though I am only nineteen. My goals in life require work and that's something I'm not so fond of. I wish everything came easy, and that I didn't have to try so hard, because I have noticed I give up easily. I used to have the terrible motto of "If I don't try at all, then I cant fail." I was wrong because with that, I was failing at life. I was not living up to everything I was put on this earth to be, do, and try. When I think about how I used to be only a month or so ago, before I got a new look on life, I was unhappy with a lot and I didn't want to try at anything, for fear of failing or not being able to reach my goal. All I thought about were the obstacles in my way, and the dreadful what ifs. 

I'm winning by just living. 

I happy to say my new motto, which is still in the process of being worked out is. "Do everything you can, be everything you were meant to be and more. Don't dwell on the past and the pains of life; see the beauty in everything, in everyone; because you are alive and that is perfect."

---Emma

"I'm concentrating on staying healthy, having peace, being happy, remembering what is important, taking in nature and animals, spending time reading, trying to understand the universe, where science and the spiritual meet." -- Joan Jett

Hello Internet!

So I have no idea how to start out blogging. I've read a bunch of blogs and there first posts, I've googled what to do and so on, but I have yet to come up with an amazingly brilliant idea. So this post will be an introduction to the people of the internet, and a kind of explanation on what I am hoping for this blog, what its all about and such.

My name is Emma Tarin, and I love my name. I am nineteen years old, and going into community college this fall, with the aspirations to transfer to a university in two years or less. I have ideas of what I want to study, but there are so many amazing choices. I do know what I want to do as a career. I want to be a Waldorf Grades Teacher. Many people don't know what Waldorf schooling is, and for that reason I challenge you to Google it, because I am terrible at explanations, I get off track easily, and its always great to learn something new. Right?

I was inspired to make a blog, because I watch a lot of youtube vloggers, and  I've tried talking in front of a camera and it just not for me at the moment, where as blogging I can still get to say whats on my mind, and talk about what ever I please. I've never been the greatest writer, grammar, and spelling have never been my strong point. Its rather lovely that this Blogger website has spell check built right in.

This blog is basically going to be me writing about my life, things I love, and my thoughts on anything I feel like typing out and posting on the internet. I just want to share my mind and life to the world, weather anyone cares to read or not. I hope to post at least once a week on here. I hope to be able to express what I want to say as eloquently as I dream up in my head.

More about me. I like art, drawing, painting, sewing, embroidery  knitting, and photography mainly; not that I am any good at any of those, as I like to think I am. I love to read, though I don't read a offend as I'd like. I like manga, yes I know its extremely nerdy, but it is sooo good. I have many goals and dreams for my life, a lot I have been told are unrealistic. I was born with one kidney, Imperforate anus, cloacal anomaly, two uteruses, spinal syrinx, scoliosis, and lets sum it up as VATER association. More things for you to google, I know you love it. I've have had surgeries for corrections and fixes, and am happy to say, things are not as bad as they could have been if I didn't have the amazingly brave mother I have today and the team of astounding doctors that I have had throughout my life.

I really don't know how else to introduce myself in a more interesting way. So that's it for today.

--Emma

"Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey and share our love with friends and family. One day, each of us will run out of tomorrows. Let us not put off what is most important" - Thomas S. Monson