Before sixth grade I didn't care what boys thought of me, I thought they were cute, and I would chase them around the field during recess. If I had a crush on them I would tell them, and not care if they liked me to. Fifth grade was the beginning of the end of that way of thinking. The boy I liked at the time, was handsome, nice, popular, and I was pretty sure he was a twin of Jesse McCartney, who I loved at the time. I told him I liked him, and he was fine with it, of course he didn't like me back he was a fifth grade boy, who like Yugioh cards, and basket ball. His friends would make fun of me from liking him, but he never made fun of me, that just made me like him more. It was the first time that I had started feeling 'butterflies in my stomach' around a boy. Then I moved to a different state for sixth grade.
Sixth grade was different, I was always wondering what boys thought of me, if they were laughing at me, or if they thought I was pretty. I started wearing lip gloss and headbands to school, and I thought I was so fat even thought I weighted 105 lbs Most of the girls in sixth grade were 'dating' boys and so on, I on the other hand didn't really want a boyfriend. I did like a boy, but later found out he liked one of my best friends, that was a terrible day.
In the middle of the school year I was asked out by a boy named Patrick. All my friends said I should 'go out with him' because I needed a 'boyfriend'. Keep in mind this was sixth grade, we were all idiots. Anyway I said yes to him after talking to my friends. That relationship lasted about 15 minutes. At some point in the middle of recess Patrick tackled my best friend to the ground, and was then put in time out. All of my friends then told me I had to 'break up' with him because he hurt my friend....
And so I did; kids were not allowed next to the time out area, so my friends standing behind me yelled out over my shoulder that I didn't like him and we are breaking up. I felt terrible, and embarrassed, I also felt sorry for him, because I was pretty sure it was an accident that he ran into her. At the end of school waiting for the bus, I went over to the jungle gym where he was with all his friends, I wanted to ask him about what happened at recess and say sorry, but he ended up saying he was joking when he asked me out, I got really mad.
And since that time I have never been able to be my complete self around boys. If they are related to me, or I dislike them for some reason, or they are younger than me, than I can totally be myself. But its even worse if I am attracted to them. I act like a shy, quite, weirdo, or a snotty know it all. I need help seriously, its a problem.
I have never dated a boy in all my 19 years of life, and I don't count sixth grade. Boys confuse me, I have two brothers, I have boy cousins, I have uncles, and other males to try an figure out, but I don't get them. I wonder how they think, what they think about, and if I will ever understand them. I am told guys are straightforward, and tell it like it is, that they like video games, guns, football, and do things like paintball, and hunting. But what about the boys that like to travel, do art, read, eco-friendliness, love kids, smart, smell good, and funny in a non perverted gross way? What about those boys?
I have an ideal boy in my head, and if I could only find him, I would be set.
--Emma
"Guys are simple... women are not simple, and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically." - Dave Barry
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